A couple of friends of ours ordered a cheese making kit and a beer making kit. Last night we were invited over to help with the making. We split off when we got there and the men made beer while the women made cheese.
Or maybe ‘attempted to make cheese’ would be more accurate.
Seriously, to quote my friend Jennifer, “who knew cheese could be so stupid!?” And that was putting it nicely.
We started out making two batches. You mix things together, heat milk with one of the mixtures, stir and let it sit. Once it sets for a while you cut the curd and then heat it more while stirring. Then you separate the curds from the whey (btw, NATSY. Little Miss Muffet must have been crazy to eat that shit). Then you start microwaving and stretching the curd part until you have cheese. Mozzarella, to be specific.
Only when we got to the microwave part the cheese would not stretch. It wouldn’t hold together. It looked like we accidentally made ricotta or something, but we didn’t.
Cue my husband asking when we’re supposed to add the cheese salt.
Cheese salt? What cheese salt?
So he holds up the bag and I realized I had accidentally used the cheese salt in the recipe instead of the citric salt we were supposed to use. I cannot be trusted to read labels.
So not to be discouraged, off to the store we went to buy more milk.
Round two: Generally the same as round one only sub in the correct citric salt stuff at the right time.
This picture is of Jennifer separating of the curds and whey in round two. Only it didn’t curd NEARLY as well as it did in round one. Hardly anything to separate at all. It looked different and WRONG. So we stuck it in the microwave, figuring it would turn out.
It did not turn out. What we got out of the microwave was pure liquid and there would definitely be no stretching involved.
So after re-reading the directions like ten times we are SURE we did everything it told us to in the order it told us to. The conclusion we reached is that cheese is stupid and hard and a few other things I’m choosing not to repeat at this time.
Lucky for the men it will take four weeks to determine if the beer brewing went as badly as the cheese making. I’m guessing it did not, although I think next time they do it they may be wise to choose a day when it’s not 30 outside, considering 99% of the process has to take place outside.
Stupid stupid cheese.